The Onion at it’s best: morbid faux-news reports involving children. Enjoy:

• - If It’s Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror
• - Missing Girl Probably Raped (video)
• - Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box
• - 6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling